Am I Not Passionate Enough?

I can guarantee that at some point in each of our lives, we have felt like the odd one out. Maybe it’s being the slowest on a sports team, or being the quietest at a social gathering, or maybe the one who could draw only stick figures in art class when everyone else appeared to draw masterpieces.

Needless to say, it’s a terrible feeling isn’t it?

We know that deep down, we desire very strongly to fit in, to mesh with everyone else. No one likes to be singled out. Why? Because we aspire for acceptance, and in turn, long for community. We want a place where we can say, “Yes, I am a part of that! I am one with everyone else. I belong.”

Ah yes, that word belong. People, especially now, yearn to feel as though they belong. They want to be a part of some community and be recognized as valuable and worthy. They are on the search for identity. What do you think happens when they feel that they are different? When they recognize that they don’t function on the same wavelength as everyone else? 

They feel like a fish out of water. They feel crushed, discouraged, lonely, frustrated, all rotten feelings! This doesn’t just happen at school or in clubs, it happens everywhere. Work, family, organizations, friends, even the church.

Such has been my experience coming to YWAM. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love that I am a part of YWAM and that I’m participating on this DTS. I am learning so much about God and those around me, and experiencing all the sights and wonders of Japan. I can’t count on my hands all the amazing experiences and interactions I’ve had. However…

I was really struggling with feeling out of place, particularly in our worship and prayer sessions. 

I know that YWAM has Assembly of God roots, and I’ve always struggled to fit in that denomination. Not saying it’s wrong or anything like that, just for me and my personality, I find it hard to mesh with the style. I am not an overly expressive person when it comes to worship and prayer. I’m not one who lifts my hands when I sing; when I do, it’s quite rare. I’m not one who dances and jumps up and down. Again, nothing wrong for those who do these things, by all means go ahead! Where it becomes a problem (in any denomination) is when you are feeling forced to be someone that you are not. 

At our base, the worship can be very expressive and quite long. We tend to sing the same verse over and over again, making a 4 minute song at least 10 minutes. We also do two things during worhsip: proclaim to God and pray all at the same time. (I will add again, absolutely nothing wrong with this style). 

When we proclaim to God, we praise how wonderful and mighty He is, because well, He is! Though we do this for quite some time, and quite frankly, after about one to three minutes, I have run out of words to say. I begin to stumble and repeat myself, since everyone else around me is still praying.

That’s when I would feel frustrated. Thoughts raced through my mind: “I can't find more words to proclaim to God. Does this mean I don’t love Him as much as I think I do?”  Then we begin to pray over various things. But all at once. 

Let me tell you, it is very difficult to find your words when you hear about twenty other people talking at the same time. 

When we would do this, I tended to start saying what those around me were, struggling over my own words or just falling silent. My mind felt like a tangled ball of yarn, batted around by a feral kitten. I would feel anger rise in me; not at those around me but at myself. Why does it seem like everyone around me is able to do this…but me? 

Then the tears begin to flow. I try my best to hold them back; I’m too embarrassed to let those around me see. So I would just stand there, silently crying, feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself. I would think, “I’ll never get this down.”

Everything changed when we had another one of these times during lecture and I was at my breaking point. 

We got up, ready to sing and to pray, the usual style we have been doing for a little over six weeks. I tried to pray, I tried to sing; hardly any words left my lips. I felt the frustration I had become all too familiar with begin to rise in me again. It pounded in my chest, just aching to be released, clawing and scratching at my heart and throat.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to let it out.

I went into one of the side rooms and began to sob uncontrollably. Luckily, the neighboring room where everyone worshiped was loud enough they couldn’t hear me. At least I don’t think they did.  

The tears flowed down my face, like a dam that had just burst. All those weeks of frustration were finally coming out. When I didn’t think I could cry any more, my eyes proved just the opposite. After letting a good amount out, I was finally able to speak: 

“God, I am so frustrated! I hate that I can’t do this when it seems everyone around me can! I can’t find my words when we pray out loud. I run out of words to say when we praise You. I love You! I should be able to talk endlessly, but I get done so quickly no matter how hard I try. Why am I like this? Why didn’t You make me more outgoing? Why did You make me this way? I hate feeling like the odd one out. I want to fit in, Lord; I want to be passionate like they are!”

“Who said you aren’t passionate, My child?” 

That stopped me in my tracks. 

“Haven’t I told you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made? There is nothing wrong with the way you worship and pray to Me. However you do, it brings Me great joy.” 

I took a minute to let it simmer in my heart. “But God, it hurts. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I don’t want them to think I am not engaged and trying to withdraw. They just look so on fire.” 

“And so are you. You just do it differently, and that is okay.”

I began to cry again. One out of comfort and relief. But I was also just unleashing everything that built up inside me these past few weeks. Frustration, homesickness, loneliness, everything. I shook my fists, I paced the room. I felt like a child crying out to their father, throwing an embarrassing tantrum. And He just listened and held me. 

After my big cry and receiving some soothing words from a staff member, I felt so much lighter and filled to the brim with peace. The heaviness on my shoulders was gone and I no longer felt ashamed in being more reserved when I prayed and worshiped. After a couple more weeks, I am glad to say that I have finally accepted that how I worship and pray to God is okay. 

And this is what I want to encourage you all with, if this is something that you struggle with yourself. The Lord is pleased and joyful when you worship and spend time with Him. He made each one of us unique, and it is okay to be different from the crowd. I don’t know about you, but I think it would be rather boring if we all prayed and worshiped the same way, don’t you?

God delights in us, remember that! He loves you, whether you dance and throw your hands up or not. You are His precious child, and He is your loving Father.