It’s springtime. Depending on where you are, you may begin to notice the following things: the air is getting warmer, the snow is starting to melt, flowers and trees are starting to bloom, and the days are getting longer; it’s the start of a new season, reminding us about renewal, a fresh start! We also take comfort in knowing the warm summer months are just around the corner. Time for cold beverages and fun in the sun!
Up here in Southcentral Alaska, March is honestly an unpredictable time. We get some days of beautiful sunshine, reaching all the way up to the mid-30s-low 40s where we finally decide it’s time to bring out the shorts and t-shirts! Winter coat and boots? No way, it’s time for light jackets and tennis shoes. The days are getting longer and the sun is finally rising at a reasonable time. No more pitch black until 10 AM. The snow is happily melting away and we finally see green grass and pavement! We had almost forgotten what the color green looks like.
But we also tend to get the final snowfall (more like a blizzard) of the season. All of that progress, the snow shrinking away, the roads finally dry, the warm sunshine, tulips trying to bloom, all that, gone, in a matter of hours! We can’t help but feel like the winter will never end and we just have to accept that this is our life now. Never-ending white, chill to the bone temperatures and puffy jackets that make it almost impossible to move comfortably around in (unless you have one of those nice down jackets, in which case you’re sweating like a pig in the grocery store).
It may seem cliche, but does life ever seem to feel that way? Things are going relatively well, you feel that you are making progress and being successful in your goals, you enjoy some leisure time here and there, and then wham, something happens that seems to shatter that all to bits. Or perhaps it’s one thing after another like you’re stuck in the ocean, being tossed by the waves, one crash after another, with no time to catch your breath. You may begin to wonder when the waves will cease, or at least lower their intensity. I think we can all agree that we have felt this way at one point or another.
As you may or may not know (depending on if you have read my other posts or bio), I’m going on a YWAM trip to Japan. It’s actually only a couple of days away! Up to this point, I have been working every day to prepare for the five-month trip. Support raising, volunteering with Mosaic (a student ministry on campus at the University of Alaska Anchorage), writing thank you letters, filling out forms, etc. Needless to say, I’ve been incredibly busy! But I am thankful for all of it because I know in my heart that God is using all of this to prepare me for Japan and also for my life. However, it has definitely not been easy (but God doesn’t promise us easy, more so the opposite).
I knew that I would encounter difficulty, obstacles, and above all spiritual warfare. In case you aren’t aware of what spiritual warfare is, it is what we Christians believe are tactics that Satan uses to try to steer us away from God and His calling for us. Particularly if you are being called to minister or serve in some way to unreached/unsaved people. But even if you are aware the storm is coming, it can still be difficult, even scary, to endure. Such has been the case with me.
As the day draws closer and closer, so do the increasing struggles. These in particular are what I have been wrestling with the most:
Intrusive Thoughts
You may or may not know, but I struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (otherwise known as OCD), as well as anxiety and depression. What most people don’t know is that there is much more to OCD than simply wanting to be neat and orderly, a fear of germs, and constant handwashing. Many people with OCD do have these behaviors but what isn’t talked about is the daily mental battle between yourself and the thoughts in your head. And these thoughts are definitely not wanted, hence why they are called intrusive. Typically compulsions are associated with these thoughts as a way to pacify them.
I do have obsessive thoughts about germs, so I tend to wash my hands frequently. But I also have thoughts about my faith, such as worrying I’m committing blasphemy against God. Do these thoughts reflect my heart and beliefs? No way! But it is much easier said than done. The ways I try to pacify these thoughts are constantly battling against these thoughts with reassurance, repeatedly audibly saying no, or praying excessively.
Thankfully over the years, I have gotten better at handling these thoughts. One way that has helped is to remind myself they are just thoughts and it does not reflect my beliefs or heart.
I have noticed though that as it gets closer to my trip, I have struggled with more intrusive thoughts regarding my faith and relationship with God. Here are a couple of examples:
“You hate God.” “You are committing blasphemy against the Holy Spirit.” “The Bible isn’t true or real.” “Your faith is a facade.”
Of course, I don’t believe any of these things at all! They don’t make me less of a Christian or an evil person, yet, they are still unnerving and cause me great anxiety.
Everyone has thoughts now and then, where it might make you think, “Woah where did that come from?” but then it’s dismissed. People with OCD (or other mental health disorders) have a much harder time dismissing it and tend to ruminate on these thoughts. It is important to remember that these distressful thoughts do not reflect who you actually are. It’s best instead of fighting it, to allow the thought to pass and remember that it was just a thought and nothing more. Which is something I have to do every day.
2. Doubt and Fear
These two things have struck me pretty hard. I’ve always struggled with these especially, constantly worrying about the ‘what-ifs’ in life. With the travel date approaching and my window shrinking to get things done, there is quite a bundle of anxiety I must say! What if my covid test screws up and I can’t fly? What if I can’t get my import certificate in time for my medications? What if I lose all the money that’s been raised? What if something happens with my taxes before I leave?
That’s a lot of what-ifs, don’t you think?
What’s important to remember is to do what you can about the things you can control, and place into God’s hands what you can’t. (You should place everything into God’s hands but especially the ones you have no control over.) Again, something I have to remind myself of every day.
The doubt I have been experiencing has been more of questioning if this is something God really wants me to do, if I will explain the Gospel clearly enough, worrying people may misunderstand and be led astray, etc. But this is exactly why you are to base your faith on the solid foundation of God’s Word, rather than your feelings. Feelings are important, but they change constantly and are not a solid foundation. If you let your feelings be the driver instead of the caboose, you are in for a very bumpy, shaky, unsettling, and overall chaotic ride.
I know in my heart that God wants me to do this. God will use me and empower me through the Holy Spirit to provide the words I need when the time is right. God has blessed me with the gift of discernment and wisdom so that others may understand His Word, for which I am eternally grateful.
So instead of letting my feelings of doubt and fear drive me, I choose to let God’s Words drive me. “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)
3. Physically and Mentally Worn Out
I think that it is safe to say that we all know what it is like to feel ‘worn out’. When we were in the (long) process of moving to our new home, my mom said something along the lines of “burning the candle at both ends with a blowtorch”. And honestly, I couldn’t have related more.
More often than not, we feel that there are not enough hours in a day to get everything we want done. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard from friends, family, classmates, and even strangers, “I just need a few more hours in a day and maybe a day or two more into the week.” The funny thing is, even if we did have more hours and days, we would still come up with so much to do that we would keep wishing for more and more time!
These past few months, this month particularly, have especially felt this way. There are, what feels to be, a million things to do, and the list just continues to grow each day. In the last couple of weeks, friends and family wanted to see me before I took off for a few months. I completely understand and I want to see them too, but it is quite exhausting! If you have met me, you know that I can talk and socialize a good deal, but I am definitely an introvert and need time away from people to recharge. I love being alone, perhaps sometimes a little too much.
So mentally, with all the things to do, forms to fill, and people to see and socialize with, my brain feels as though it is a pile of mush! I am however lucky enough to get some time away now and then, otherwise, I’d probably be going a little bonkers.
Physically too, I’ve been exhausted. One is from the previous things mentioned above, but it is also springtime, which brings a lot of change and adjustments. Don’t even get me started on daylight savings. I also drive back and forth between cities and even though it’s not for a long time, it still is draining having to go to and from, multiple times a week. I’m happy for the reasons I go (such as helping out with campus ministry and seeing friends/family) but it is still tiring.
I am also a pretty active person; I exercise between 5-7 times a week and love it. But lately, if I will be honest, my workouts have just straight up STUNK! I’m aware of some of the reasons as to why, but it’s still super frustrating when you have been making progress, and then you hit a plateau and everything feels like a marathon. I’ve had a few workouts where I ended up just crying afterward out of frustration because it feels like my body isn’t doing anything or working like it used to. I know a large factor is stress. Despite it though, I am not giving up and am determined to stick to my routine, regardless of how I feel at the moment.
So far, it seems like a whole bunch of doom and gloom, right?
Sure, Satan has a knack for knowing how to get under our skins, and he certainly has figured out how to get under mine. But you know what? I have a greater power inside me to battle against Satan’s attacks, and that is the power of the Holy Spirit.
“This is My command- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NLT). Perhaps you may or may not have heard of this verse (or have heard other versions of it) but it is definitely one of my favorite verses. It’s a reminder that no matter what you face, whether that be trials, tribulations, temptations, or struggling with particular sins, God is with you always, never leaving your side. And there are countless stories in the Bible of God being by people’s side, holding their hands.
Guess what? He is holding yours as well.
In the New Testament, there is a story in the book of Matthew where Jesus walks on water. At this time, Jesus was with the disciples (those He had chosen to use to spread the Good News and be by His side during His time on Earth). The disciples were crossing the Sea of Galilee when a terrible storm arose! Jesus, who had been up in the hills to pray, saw the disciples struggling and made His way toward them, where He proceeded to walk on water.
At first, the disciples were terrified (because honestly, who wouldn’t be?), but Jesus called out, “Don’t be afraid!...Take courage. I am here!” (Matthew 14:27 NLT). Peter, one of the disciples, called out to Jesus and said, “Lord, if it is really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.” (Matthew 14:28 NLT). Jesus told Peter to come to Him, so Peter climbed out of the boat and began walking toward Jesus, on the water! But then he saw the waves and that the sea was rough and began to sink and cried out for Jesus to save him. Immediately, Jesus grabbed his hand and saved him, to which He said, “...You have so little faith. Why did you doubt me?” (Matthew 14:31 NLT). Afterward, Jesus silenced the storm and the disciples worshiped Him.
I love this story. Not only because it demonstrates Jesus’ power and love, but also because it shows Jesus is with us before, during, and after the storm. He will never leave us when things get shaky, or daunting, or when we feel like we are sinking. In fact, He is always there to reach down and pull us out of the struggle and fear. What a loving and amazing God we serve!
When you accept Christ as your savior, you also receive the full Armor of God to battle against the enemy's attacks. In Ephesians 6:10-17, the full armor is listed: the Belt of Truth, the Body Armor of Righteousness, the Shoes of Peace, the Shield of Faith, the Helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit (which is the Word of God). These are all figurative, but since we fight against the spiritual instead of the physical, we need spiritual armor and weapons! The enemy is powerful, but the Holy Spirit is way more powerful, more than we could ever comprehend.
I grew up watching VeggieTales (this may seem random but I promise I have a point). I still watch them on occasion, mostly for nostalgia but they also have great messages (the ones from the 90s-early 2000s). One of my favorites is one called “Where’s God when I’m S-Scared?” There is a song that goes, “God is bigger than the Boogeyman..”, and honestly, I find myself singing that tune a lot when I’m anxious. Sure, it may seem silly coming from a children’s show, but it holds so much truth. God really is bigger than the things we are afraid of, whether that be monsters in your closet or wondering how you’re going to make it through the storm.
We can always take comfort in knowing that nothing is too big for God, and He is always with us. So stand firm, even in the midst of the storm.
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